Heidi’s blog

             Rebirth

Why must pain be the catalyst?
Could not growth come from joy,
And  wisdom from triumph? 

Yet contentment leads to complacency
Floating along, unchallenged
No need to dream
No desire for introspection. 

It is tribulation that turns apathy to action
Stretching once atrophied muscle
Testing the mettle of the soul
Ending stagnation 

There is meaning to suffering
A cause to rejoice in despair
All is not lost!
For in the end, there is rebirth.

  No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. ~Friedrich Nietzsche~
A great quote. It spoke to me the minute I saw it with a very empowering voice.  But how real is it. 
Can we ever truly own ourselves when we're bombarded with images of what we should be.  Subtly or not so subtly encouraged to conform.  To be a certain size, think a certain way, be politically correct,  want certain things.  Do we really own ourselves when we're programmed from day 1 as to what that self should be?  If we feel less value as a person because inside or out, we don't feel we're totally acceptable?  How much does our society 'own' us?  It's a tough question.  It's not wrong to want to feel a part of something greater then ourself so does that make us 'share rentals'?

Maybe owning ourselves has to find a balance with being a part of society.  "No man is an island"  We all require food, water, air, shelter and companionship to survive. To have companionship, we must be able to interact with others in a positive way.  We must share.  Not just things, but ourselves and that's where it gets tricky.  How much do we dare share.  If we must keep a part of ourselves secret, are we being ourselves?  I'm still working on that question.. 

  We live in the information age, connected 24/7 via computers and electronic devices and lulled into believing we can find anything or connect to anyone at a moments notice, but in reality we've forgotten how to keep a real paper and binding address book or how to memorize even a simple phone number.  Our electronic miracles do everything for us and we don't even realize how vulnerable that makes us until something happens.

We experienced that vulnerability Friday night when Rob's friend, just home from Iraq and now living in New York, tried to take his own life.  They were connected via AIM, Rob desperately trying to find out where his friend was located and his friend giving Rob his last instructions.  Over the past year or so they had communicated via e-mail, IM and cell phone, never thinking to exchange physical addresses. How primative! 

We desperately searched the internet for a phone number or address. No luck.  Rob couldn't remember his friends mom's name. We were stuck.  Finally Rob got in his truck and sped over to the grandparents house, about a mile away and found the family didn't even have the address.  They ended up calling the police and sending them to the in-laws house in New York who then sent the police to the mobile home where Rob's friend was living. 

Thankfully we had a happy ending.  The ambulance was in time and a life was saved.  And hopefully we've learned an important lesson.  While all our electronic devices are nice and convenient, we mustn't depend of them.   We still need to fill in the gaps the old fashioned way.

I've finally managed to find someone to work Christmas for me, Yea!  I'll be working New Years, in exchange which I don't mind...but damn, it's another graveyard! 

I really like my 2 to 10pm shift but I didn't know it was going to put me into a rotation for graveyards on weekends and holidays.  What a trade off, horrible commute every day working days or the weekend/holiday graveyard rotation working evenings.  Trade offs are a *itch!

    I started my new shift last Monday and I'm so much happier now.  I sleep until I naturally wake, have time to run little errands and do things around the house, eat better, work on my projects, don't have to sit in traffic and waste hours of my life.  It's liberating!  The best hours of my day are mine and I like that.  

Holly began chemotherapy last Wednesday.  Her multiple schlerosis has progress to a point that other treatments no longer work and it was time to begin the last option.  It's a scary option but it has a good rate of success.  It won't cure the disease but it does halt the progression or slow it tremendously with the hope that something better will come along. 
I spoke to David this morning and Holly is doing well.  She needs to rest, of course but she is itching to get up and about.  They've prepared for the possibility of hair loss (slight) and she's combating nausea with some pretty powerful anti-nausea drugs.  For the about 6 months, she have monthly treatments and then bi-monthly with reassessment of her condition at the end, 
Holly we love you . You're fighting the good fight and your strength and bravery is awesome!